home sick

Wow came as a bit of a side swipe today, don't get me wrong I don't want to go back there just didn't realise how much I miss certain things, my kids I miss every day, it's become a part of me, it's a form of grief that mostly I can cope with, I'm used to the feeling, it's mine and I wouldn't want it to go, of course it hurts but it is my belief that it means I care, that I have an unbreakable bond with them, no matter where they are I feel I want to be with them, what came as a shock to me was how much I miss my stuff, crap to others but it was mine; I went to a friends house, she has lived there for a while with her husband and children her eldest is 12, her house is full of photos of her children, pictures that the kids have painted, pottery things that are hard to work out but to mum and dad they are a priceless works of art, her garden has swings, slides and even a playhouse, a mish mash of stuff that her kids love, my little boys had a whale of a time playing, swinging, sliding and I had a lovely time chatting about life in general and drinking lovely coffee with this lovely lady, time to come home and the boys were very good knowing that we will go back for another playday, next time we will make camps and have a pic-nic, my coffee date with my newish friend brought home to me how much I left behind, stuff that has now been sold or given away or even binned, sure I have boxes of photos and master pieces created by my now grown up babies but they are in garages across the country, places I managed to store my stuff when I left, I was clever enough to have the foresight that my very soon to be ex-husband would get angry and hateful and get rid of anything I may have cared about by way of retaliation so I can replace the camping stuff but I cannot replace the memories they held, I had to leave the trampoline but I still remember Joe and all his friends being "tramps on the trampoline", his infectious laughter still rings in my ears, at the end of the day, and this blog, I have the chance to collect more "stuff" now, I have the chance to put up photos and masterpieces,  not only did I walk away from a lot of things but what I wanted and needed to walk away from was a loveless marriage, a repressive relationship that was harmful to all of us, what I must remember is that I walked towards a love filled life with a wonderful man and my 2 beautiful little boys who have flourished in our new life, I did not lose anyone, the people I love are still alive I just don’t get to see them as much as I’d like.

I must put some photos up…….